Welcome to Purgatory
by Rethira
Summary: We hope you enjoy your stay. And please, if you hear screaming, it's probably better to ignore it. CRACK, starring all of the Dragons.


This is the culmination of several days work. I hope it meets with your approval. At the very least, I hope you laugh and wonder what it would be like if this really happened.

Warnings: crack, crack and more crack. Also, improbability, OOCness, my brand of humour and a lot of yaoi. Also, frank discussions of Kamui's various kinks.

Disclaimer: I do not own X/1999 or TRC and I never will. I do own a Mokona plushie and a lot of manga. I do not make any money from any fanfiction and I never will.

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**Welcome to Purgatory**

It all began on a perfectly normal day in Heaven/Purgatory – the place where the Dragons were allowed to exist in after they died. They couldn't go to Heaven, on account of all the death and destruction, but they couldn't go to Hell either, because it was all destiny and they had to, so it really wasn't their fault and with the exception of Seishirou, Dark Kamui and Kanoe they would probably all have been nice enough people given the chance. Dark Kamui/Fuuma has registered his complaint about the whole 'he wouldn't have been a nice person' because Fuuma totally was a nice person and it was being Kamui's twin star which made him go all insane and evil and besides, Kamui _liked_ being stabbed repeatedly, the little masochist.

_Anyway_, it was a normal day. But then Hokuto came over, with truly epic/awful news.

"In one of the other worlds, Kamui and Subaru are _twins_!" she cried. Subaru and Kamui both looked at each other and shrugged. It could be worse, they reasoned. "And people are slashing them together!" Hokuto continued, which got the attention of Seishirou and Dark Kamui/Fuuma (he says to call him Fuuma. No-one calls him Kamui anymore, so he might as well get used to the wrong name).

"But... if Kamui and Subaru are together, they'll just emo forever. They'll never even have sex." Fuuma said, because he was still a teenager at heart.

"Where's the other version of me? And why is he letting Subaru be left alone with Kamui?" Seishirou demanded, because he was an adult at heart, albeit a possessive, obsessed adult with paedophilic tendencies.

"Oh, he's chasing them and being enigmatic. Gave up his eye to chase Subaru – see Subaru, you and Sei-chan are meant to be together. I don't like saying 'I told you so' but... I told you so." Hokuto replied. Subaru looked mildly upset and blushed when Seishirou leered at him, because he was still sixteen in his mind.

"What about the other me? He better be chasing Kamui..." Fuuma threatened vaguely.

"What do _I_ care about what _you_ are doing with someone who isn't Subaru? I don't know what the other you is doing. Maybe he's gone to a spa or something. He wasn't with the fake twins or other Sei-chan and I simply couldn't care less. Ohohohohohoho." Hokuto laughed her customary laugh and ignored the way Fuuma's aggressive-aggressive tendencies suddenly appeared, in the form of a big sword (hey, just because you're dead doesn't mean you're not a Dragon, or in this case, the Dark Kamui).

"Monou, put away your sword and let me determine whether or not this possible Subaru/Kamui twincest is going to seriously harm our reputations." Seishirou said. It really said something that Fuuma obeyed him almost immediately and it might have something to do with ice cream.

"Seishirou-san, everyone knows that I was the first Subaru anyway, so I don't think..." Subaru trailed off, realising that Seishirou wasn't paying him any attention whatsoever.

"...yes, I see. So the other me is searching for the other Subaru because... Oh, yes, of course. Do tell that other Kamui to keep his hands off of _my _Subaru. Yes, I am well aware that that particular Subaru isn't mine, but I'm quite sure that the Seishirou associated with that Subaru will thank me. Not at all, Yuuko-san, I simply felt the need to make sure Kamui was aware of it. The one up here certainly is, but then he has Monou to keep him occupied." Seishirou was saying, apparently to a small white rabbit thing.

"Oi, Sakurazuka. What is that?" Fuuma felt compelled to ask. Seishirou looked up at them, a mad glint in his eye.

"It's a Mokona of course, don't you know anything? They breed like rabbits, everywhere they are. The first two, well, it was a good thing they were kept frozen until they were needed, all the others just can't help themselves. Most of them can be used to talk to Yuuko-san. Oh, all of them are white, apart from Yuuko-san's one." Seishirou explained.

"You don't have any sake around here do you? I'm parched." the Mokona asked. A bottle of sake came flying over from the direction of the bar (what? Even Dragons need to get drunk. _Especially_ Dragons, even if they're underage and called Kamui, or legal and called Subaru). Satsuki was the only one there and she looked remarkably innocent. Yuuto was trying to get her to get out from behind there, but when you're dead all the talks about how alcohol was awful and terrible and not for kids just fell on deaf ears.

"Anyway, I've cleared up our potential problem, Hokuto. Hokuto? Where did she go?" Seishirou asked, looking around. He was usually very observant, but possessive rage can momentarily blind him and Hokuto can be very sneaky when she wants to be. A door suddenly burst open and Subaru and Kamui fell out, Hokuto following them.

"Ta-dah! Here for your viewing pleasure, Sei-chan and Fuu-chan, I have recreated the vampire twins, Subaru and Kamui!" Hokuto said, loudly. She was dressed in very... aristocratic clothing. "And as Subaru's actual twin, I have of course given myself a matching outfit."

Subaru picked himself up off of the floor, showing that Hokuto had somehow put him in the high collared coat and frilly shirt his other self wore. Kamui wore a similar ensemble. Both of them were blushing.

"Ah, how delightful. You do design such very nice clothes, Hokuto-chan." Seishirou said, moving over to pick Subaru up.

"Aww, Sei-chan, you flatterer." Hokuto replied, faux blushing.

Fuuma, if anyone had bothered to ask, was evaluating the accessibility and bondage potential of Kamui's outfit and finding it severely lacking.

"Oi, Kamui." Fuuma said and was delighted to have Kamui trot over to him – Kamui had a naïveté that was very similar to Subaru's and if literally anyone called his name he would go over to them with little thought to the consequences. This is why he ended up over Fuuma's shoulder so frequently.

"Wha-! Oh! Fuuma, put me down! Help me! Subaru!" Kamui yelled. It wasn't half hearted, but by now everyone was well acquainted with Kamui's melodramatics. Also, his masochism and Fuuma's sadism and both their exhibitionism. So it wasn't a perfect relationship – they were happy, even if Kamui had had to make a graph about how kinky sex should _be_ as opposed to how kinky it actually _was_ with Fuuma.

Seishirou didn't have this problem, mostly because Subaru was just happy to have Seishirou doing that to him in the first place. He still didn't get laid as often as Fuuma though, but had far fewer arguments. Presumably, Seishirou was pleased with this arrangement (it wasn't really an arrangement, more of a relationship, but Seishirou's Sakurazukamori pride wouldn't let him be in a relationship and Subaru couldn't even say the word relationship without going bright red and stammering wildly).

"Could you _not_ in front of the kids?" Yuuto asked, still trying to wrest a bottle of gin out of Satsuki's hands. She was being remarkably uncooperative.

"They've seen it all before. Even your precious Satsuki – she did spend most of her life hooked up to the internet you know." Fuuma pointed out, pushing open the door to his and Kamui's shared bedroom (Kamui had been quite horrified to say the least when he realised he had to share with Fuuma, although he got used to it after a while).

"Well, could you spare my eyes then? Unlike most of the rest of us I don't particularly like seeing you molest Kamui." Kanoe remarked. She was swilling wine like there was no tomorrow (well, technically there wasn't. Life in Purgatory consisted of recycled time and if any of them wanted to check up on Earth they had to dial up the correct time period. In Fuuma's spare time, he spied on Kamui masturbating before he died. Kamui still hadn't realised).

Fuuma's reply was lost to the ages as the door swung shut behind him. Seishirou was perfectly willing to reply for him.

"No-one cares about your eyes, least of all Monou or myself." He said. Kanoe snorted in anger and almost glared at him, but thought better of it. Meanwhile, Subaru blushed and tugged at his new outfit. Hokuto batted at his hand.

"Stop tugging it, Subaru! I know you want to get out of it, but at least wait until Sei-chan has you in the bedroom." She cried.

"H-Hokuto-chan!" Subaru turned a brilliant shade of red and looked anywhere except at Seishirou. Seishirou, for his part, leered at Subaru and left no doubts about exactly what was going to happen fairly soon.

"Ah, Sei-chan, I just had a wonderful idea!" Hokuto said, jumping in the air.

"Oh really, Hokuto-chan?" Seishirou asked. To be fair, Hokuto's ideas might be weird, but they got the job done and Seishirou was intelligent enough to know not to let her overlooked ideas go to waste.

"Let's bring the fake twins here!" she yelled, bouncing around fast enough to give even Yuzuriha whiplash.

"That's a wonderful idea, Hokuto-chan." Seishirou said. "We'll do that as soon as I'm finished with Subaru and once Fuuma has finished with Kamui."

A long, drawn out moan came from the Kamui's room.

"They won't be done for hours yet, Seishirou-san." Subaru murmured.

"Exactly, Subaru-kun." Seishirou smiled and it was not a nice smile. Their bedroom door shut behind them.

"Am I the only one who thinks that all this fraternisation is unprofessional?" Kanoe felt compelled to ask, because she was such a party-pooper.

"Yes," said Kakyou, lifting his head for the first time that day, "because all the rest of us get to be happy with the people we love."

"Kyou-chan! Good morning sleepy head." Hokuto said, almost literally bouncing over to him. They had had a very happy reunion, although Kakyou still slept most of the time. Hokuto apparently didn't mind (possibly because she and Kakyou had Dreams together, in a very meaningful way).

And thus went the rest of the day, until finally Subaru and Kamui crawled out of their rooms blushing furiously and threw together some midnight snacks. What? Don't look at them like that, they were hungry and both were embarrassed as hell to be leaving their rooms at almost exactly the same moment (that was slightly suspicious, but there was no way that Fuuma and Seishirou could coordinate their sex lives to that degree... could they?). They weren't helped when Hokuto fell out of Kakyou's room, laughing herself silly (why Kakyou had his own room while Kamui and Subaru had to share with their opposite stars was a huge mystery and probably best explained away as someone, somewhere deciding that it was really fun to mess with Subaru and Kamui. Probably Clow Reed. Oh, like you didn't know he was going to turn up somewhere. That man, honestly, he's at the bottom of everything).

"You guys, I swear. You're so cute, all blushing like that!" Hokuto cried (waking up most of the other Dragons, except Yuzuriha and Kusanagi, because they were used to loudness).

"Oi, Sumeragi. Stop your sister from flirting with Kamui." Fuuma called from his room, not bothering to get out of bed (this was probably for the best, given that he hadn't bothered to get dressed and Kamui was more able to give as good as he got than he let on).

"Hokuto-chan, I don't think you should be flirting with your brother." Seishirou said, at around the same time. Unlike Fuuma, he had left the room, thankfully clothed and was joining Subaru for a midnight snack.

"Ohohohohohoho. You know I would never take him away from you Sei-chan! Kyou-chan and I are perfectly happy together. It's very odd. He's almost as pretty as Subaru. I'm surprised, Sei-chan. Why did you let him waste away when you could've been feeding him up. He's all skinny." Hokuto replied.

"Oh, but wouldn't you have minded Hokuto-chan? After all, I already had Subaru-kun all to myself. I couldn't possibly have stolen away Kakyou-san as well." Seishirou smiled amicably.

"Can you not talk about that? It's creepy and weird and... and Nee-san you don't have to give him ideas." Subaru asked, slightly freaked out.

"I second that request." came Kakyou's voice. Kamui, still unused to being ignored, merely tried to settle down and enjoy the show.

"Kamui, get your skinny ass back in here. Nataku's stealing your side of the bed." Fuuma yelled irritably.

"Why do we even have to share with him? It. Whatever." Kamui grumbled heading back to his room.

"No-one else's going to look after it. C'mon Kazuki, back on the floor with you. That's Kaa-chan's spot." Fuuma carried on.

Karen's door slammed open. She burst out, like a fiery harpy, and stalked over to the Kamui's door and slammed that open too.

"You are not making Nataku sleep on the floor." She said, loud enough to be heard by all and sundry. Aoki appeared in her doorway (he'd been inside. Three guesses what they'd been doing).

"Karen-san, we only have one bed. Nataku lives with Fuuma-kun. He's sort of like Nataku's guardian." Aoki began.

"Yeah, and I remember that therapy session we had a while back. Nataku – Kazuki, come with Kaa-san." Karen returned, glaring vengefully at Fuuma.

"Yeah, Kazuki, go with her. Be good, okay." Fuuma's face twisted into an odd parody of fatherly. Karen thankfully guided the very confused bioroid (why was Nataku even in Heaven/Purgatory? No-one knew. Probably Clow Reed's fault, he always did like girly pretty boys).

"Fuuma, we have to talk about this whole Nataku thing. It's creepy and weird and frankly, I'm too young to be a father. Or a mother. And so are you." That last bit was added almost as an afterthought. Then the door shut and Subaru decided that it would be better for everyone's sanity if he just put a silencing ward over it.

"Subaru-kun, do you think we should adopt?" Seishirou asked. Subaru almost but not quite face palmed and Hokuto started rolling around on the floor laughing. Wisely, Aoki and Karen did not comment and neither did Nataku, although that was because the poor thing didn't understand. Someone should really have given it an education.

"Hey, put Inuki down!" was how the day greeted Subaru. As per tradition, Seishirou smirked at him, having been awake for several hours already and Subaru sat up so fast he almost broke his nose on Seishirou's face.

The door caved in and Fuuma landed on his back. It seemed that Kusanagi had finally snapped.

"There you go Yuzuriha-chan." said the ex-soldier.

"Thank you Kusanagi-san!" Yuzuriha threw herself on to him, Inuki running round and round them barking happily.

"Is there any reason why you are currently lying on my floor still Monou?" Seishirou asked, perfectly pleasantly.

"Enjoying the view." Fuuma replied, scowling. Seishirou smiled widely. It was not a friendly smile.

"I see. In that case..." Seishirou trailed off and somehow several ofudas ended up in his hand. If Fuuma had been paying attention, he would have noticed the eagle shaped shinigami that was circling above his head.

"S-Seishirou-san!" Subaru shouted as he yanked Seishirou's arm down.

"But Subaru-kun, I was simply preserving your modesty." began Seishirou. Fuuma took the moment to scramble to safety. For some unfathomable reason, Seishirou was actually terrifying, even though Fuuma knew he could take him in a fight.

That was when the shinigami pooped on him.

"Do I want to know why you have bird poo on your head?" Sorata asked, very slowly, from his place at the breakfast table. Fuuma scowled, perhaps more violently than necessary. Kamui chose that moment to leave their bedroom. He took one look at Fuuma, then pivoted and went back inside.

"Oh come on, Kamui, it's the Sakurazukamori's fault." Fuuma yelled at the door.

"I don't care. I'm not dating anyone with bird poo on their head." The door replied, sounding a bit Kamui like. "I'm the goddamn gay messiah, I need to have standards. Lack of bird poo is one of them."

"_Fine_. I was going to shower anyway. Oi, fiery harpy bitch. Heat me up some water." Fuuma ordered. Karen looked at him coolly and then threw a fireball at Yuuto.

"Oh, ha ha. Very funny. Here you go, sir." Yuuto said and dumped a load of water over Fuuma's head. The laughter that consumed the room did not please Fuuma. It did please Kamui, who peeked out to see bedraggled Fuuma.

"You are all so dead. Again. Don't think I won't kill you all. Not even Clow Reed can stop me from killing the whole fucking lot of you." Fuuma muttered/threatened.

"Hey guys, look who I brought to visit! Uwah, Fuu-chan why are you all wet?" Hokuto burst into glittery existence, bringing a pair of familiar twins with her.

"There was an accident. With a shinigami and a shinken." Fuuma replied tersely.

"I don't remember a shinken." Yuuto began. That was what it flew at his head. "Whoa!"

"Kamui, where are we? And why is- why is Fuuma here?" vampire-Subaru asked, apparently thinking that it was quiet.

"Oh, Subaru-kun, we seem to have missed all the fun. Ah and we have guests. What will they think of us?" Seishirou said, startling the beejeezus out of them.

"Nee-san, did you kidnap them?" Subaru asked, peering out from behind Seishirou.

"Ohohoho. Whatever makes you think that? I simply... diverted them. Everyone, meet the fake twins, including stupid-vampire-fake Kamui who thinks his life sucks. Real Kamui, tell him why it doesn't." Hokuto laughed, shoving Kamui into their line of sight.

"Oh, well. Um. You should probably know... we're all dead. But we don't get to go to Heaven and sending us to Hell would be cruel so we get to stay here. I'm Kamui – _the_ Kamui – which means that I had to choose whether I would fight to save humanity or not. And because of that everyone I loved died. And the only one who didn't was my twin star – that's him, Fuuma – and he killed loads of people, including his sister Kotori and I really loved Kotori, no-one could not love her. But Fuuma was evil and he didn't care. And-and, Subaru loves the Sakurazukamori who's an assassin and he... well, Subaru can explain that better. But I had to kill Fuuma. And then I died too. Because everyone was dead anyway. All my friends, everyone I loved... everyone." Kamui smiled, bright and painful and vampire-Kamui just stared.

"What the fuck." He said.

"Kamui, language." Vampire-Subaru reprimanded.

"Oh, but it's okay now. Fuuma's not evil anymore, right Fuuma?" Kamui turned to Fuuma, who, despite being soaked through, was happily chasing Yuuto around with a sword and threatening death and destruction. "He used to stab me with that sword and said he loved me."

"I never knew that Monou was so sappy." Seishirou said.

"I'M NOT SAPPY! I murder for fun! I kick puppies! I told Nataku I was its father and Did Things with it. I'm evil!" Fuuma yelled, almost beheading Kanoe while he attacked Yuuto.

"I killed children when I was in a bad mood." Seishirou replied.

"Seishirou-san," Subaru began, looking pained, "you killed my sister. We all know that you're... well, evil."

"Hang on," vampire-Subaru said, "aren't you sleeping with him?"

"Well, yes. Oh and Hokuto forgave him. It was necessary. I was being a bit... silly, I guess and Hokuto just made me stop moping. I suppose I got revenge. I killed him. And then when I died, well, we didn't have that responsibility anymore, so we got to share a room." Subaru replied, moving over to the breakfast table.

"We don't understand them either." Sorata felt compelled to point out to the fake twins. "Do we, Nee-san?" Arashi nodded solemnly.

"It's Clow Reed's fault. And possibly Yuuko-san's." Seishirou said, as he sat down next to Subaru and calmly poured himself a bowl of cereal. The vampires nodded, well acquainted with the foibles of the Dimension Witch.

"So, why are we here?" vampire-Subaru asked, tentatively.

"Duh. To convince you that whatever it was your Fuu-chan and Sei-chan did, it couldn't be nearly as bad as you think. I mean, Fuu-chan went on multiple killing sprees, murdered Kotori-chan (she's visiting later, right?) and routinely stabbed Kamui while professing love for him and Sei-chan pretended to love Subaru for a year, revealed that he didn't and broke Subaru's heart, killed me (although I asked him to do that), went on the run for nine years, came back and went on more killing sprees before finally tricking Subaru into killing him and then saying that he _did_ love Subaru in the second before he died. And I'm not even mentioning the fact that Sumeragi and Sakurazukamori are mortal enemies and should hate each other and Obaa-chan kept on pressuring Subaru to just kill Sei-chan and be done with it." Hokuto replied.

"Um. And you... you _forgave_ him?" vampire-Kamui asked, disbelieving.

"Well, we're dead. It puts a lot of things into perspective. I mean, I have Hokuto-chan back and Seishirou-san and I'm not the Sakurazukamori anymore, but neither is Seishirou-san and he can't kill people anymore, because they're all dead. And none of us can leave here – not any Dragon, or Kanoe or Hinoto-hime. Hokuto can come and go as she pleases, because she's related, but she went to Heaven so she should really be there and the same goes for Kotori-chan. I mean, if this is our eternity, it could be worse. And we were going to end up there anyway. Um, because we have to share a bed. I mean, we have to share a room, but it only has one bed. Like Kamui's room."

Suddenly, both twins stared at Kamui.

"Okay, fine, I shared with Fuuma and Nataku, until last night. Now it's just Fuuma. I never said I didn't like getting stabbed." Kamui said defensively.

"It helps if you realise that all of us have very, very unorthodox preferences and backgrounds. Like Karen-san, she used to work at a Soapland and was hated by her Catholic mother and got raped and loads of shit." Yuuto said, cowering behind Satsuki. Satsuki shoved him.

"Yeah, and Yuuto's a paedophile, like Seishirou and sorta like Kusanagi, but no-one cares about that because he's cute about it with Yuzu-chan. Satsuki not only has a thing for Yuuto, but also for her computer and we all think that Subaru has a thing for sakura but he won't tell us. We all know that Kamui likes bondage and sharp metal. And he's an exhibitionist. And Aoki and I? Well, like Yuuto said, I had a shit life before I died. Aoki had a good life, until he met me. He was happily married, with kids, you know and then we fell in love and died." Karen glanced at Aoki and smiled.

"And before you ask, Kyou-chan loves me and when I died he went into a self induced coma for nine years after trying to commit suicide. Oh and Kanoe is just like that, Sorata's obsessed with Arashi, Arashi swore that she wouldn't let him die like was prophesised, but it happened anyway and Hinoto-hime is blind and spent all her life seeing the bad future and locked in a basement. Compared to us, you kids had an easy life." Hokuto finished.

"So... what?" vampire-Subaru asked.

"So... think about your actions and your choices before you completely write off Sei-chan and Fuu-chan. I mean, it's bad enough as it is. You need to go back to your proper special people before you totally lose it. I mean, sure, you're cute now, but what happens when Kamui hits puberty? You're suddenly going to find that you both prefer to bottom and have radically different tastes." Hokuto replied, always able to keep a straight face when talk about other people's sex lives.

"Also, stop with the emo. I find it unattractive in my Kamui's. I mean, it's bad enough you're a bunch of whiny bitches, you have to emo everywhere too? And he made a goddamn graph about kinky sex! Who _does_ that?" Fuuma said, drying his hair absently (Yuuto was pinned to the wall with both shinkens and would presumably be Dealt With Later. Yuuto was not looking forward to it).

"I'm inclined to agree with Monou-kun. When Subaru-kun started moping I found it extremely unattractive. I was almost inclined to kill him and put him out of his obvious misery, but then I realised that it would hurt him more if I left him as he was." Seishirou smiled and while the vampire twins shuddered and looked away, no-one else seemed to find it creepy. Subaru looked at them, almost pityingly.

"Seishirou-san says a lot of things like that. You get used to it after a while. I mean, it's not nearly as bad as when Kamui decided that he was going to be single and Fuuma started singing Metallica at him through the door." Subaru said.

"Oh god, don't remind me. It was a song about killing me or me being his slave or something. Fuuma thought it was romantic." Kamui muttered, plonking down in between Subaru and Yuzuriha. Seishirou gave him a Look™ and then went back to eating his cereal (he'd poured strawberry milk over it and there were cherries in there. They kept on staining the milk red. This was not creepy at all).

"So? Sakurazuka sang the stalker song to Subaru." Fuuma replied and glared at Yuzuriha until she moved to the other side of Kusanagi so that Fuuma could sit next to Kamui.

"The stalker song? I don't remember that one." She said.

"_Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you_ and so on." Seishirou explained. "It's very true. I only wasn't watching Subaru when I had a job or was asleep."

Subaru blushed lightly but made no comment. In fact, it was almost like no-one else had even heard that last part.

"Kazuki, pass the milk." Fuuma said. Nataku (who had been sat at the breakfast table but didn't know what to do there) passed Fuuma the milk, staring around wide eyed. "Good girl, Kazuki, give daddy a kiss."

"Okay." Nataku replied and walked around to Fuuma. The vampire twins watched, half amazed, as Nataku gave Fuuma a very un-familial kiss.

"I wish you wouldn't do that. And you know that already, you bastard." Kamui mumbled, looking away from Fuuma.

"Kamui, I wouldn't be evil if I couldn't see your Wishes and then not fill them. Besides, Kazuki likes it, don't you Kazuki?" Fuuma patted Nataku's head.

"Yes Daddy."

"It's creepy! And weird! And too kinky! If you don't stop kissing Nataku – _while telling it you're its father_ – I am going to dump you." Kamui threatened. Everyone seemed to have forgotten the vampire twins and they were thankful for it.

"You can't dump me! You're not evil enough." Fuuma protested, shoving Nataku away and spinning Kamui around.

"Wanna bet?"

"And let's just shove you two into the bedroom for your little domestic." Hokuto said. "Kotori-chan is coming over and she won't want to see her two favourite messiahs arguing. Or having sex, which is the alternative."

Seishirou threw up a silencing ward around Fuuma and Kamui's bedroom. He glanced around to see that the vampire twins were still present and correct.

"Oh, are you still here? Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt and you do look just like Subaru-kun when he was sixteen. Subaru, vampire-Subaru, please come with me. Oh, Hokuto-chan, do you think that Monou and Shirou would appreciate a little extra?" Seishirou had that glint in his eye, the one that foretold doom.

"Oh, Sei-chan, you know they're waiting for other Fuu-chan and other Sei-chan to get with the programme already." Hokuto laughed and bounced over to Kakyou's bedroom. "Kyou-chan, do you want to get up yet? Should I put you in your wheelchair?"

Everyone ignored Subaru's squeak of surprise as Seishirou stealthily snuck him over to their bedroom.

"Can we leave yet? Just that the Seishirou we know is chasing us." Vampire-Kamui pointed out. "And you don't want him to mess up your... lovely... home."

"Kid, this isn't home and this isn't lovely." Kanoe said, "It's Purgatory. We have to stay here. It's a fancy prison for us for the rest of eternity. We get two visitors and have to go to group therapy once a week until our souls are all mellow and good and then we might get reincarnated, if we've been very good. Until then, we get to stay with people we hate-"

"That's debatable, given that roughly half of us are sleeping with the enemy." Yuuto pointed out. Kusanagi had the decency to blush.

"-and have to listen to them having sex at all hours of the day and we don't even get to blow anything up, because everything we destroy we have to pay for."

"Monou, you owe Subaru and I a new door!" Seishirou called out. It was currently propped up against the doorframe.

"That wasn't my fault! Kusanagi threw me at it!" Fuuma replied. Apparently, now that Seishirou had stopped concentrating, the silencing ward had fallen down.

"Because you were holding Inuki captive!" If you didn't know better, Seishirou would have sounded almost merry.

"EVIL! I don't pick up bills!"

"That's your excuse for everything! I want a divorce!" Kamui sobbed.

"We're not fucking married and we're kind of in the middle of something!" Fuuma replied.

"Stop, stop, stop, I said stop it, bad evil Fuuma." Kamui said, loudly.

"What the fuck now? I'm trying to drive you insane with lust here, you hitting me is not helping."

"I said, I want a divorce. We're not twin stars anymore, I want the old, nice Fuuma back."

"For fuck's sake."

Ah, it sure was nice to see the Dragons all playing happy families.

Eventually, the vampire twins managed to escape. Probably because everyone forgot they were there. Even Arashi, but then, Sorata was being particularly annoying. But the point is, they left, taking with them memories of a happier place, which was weird, because all of them were dead and you'd think that you'd be unhappy about that (ignoring for now, the fact that vampires are technically dead too).

Several hours later, Fuuma came out of his bedroom glaring daggers at everyone. Seishirou arched an eyebrow at him.

"He threw me out." Fuuma muttered, sounding slightly horrified.

"Why?" asked Yuzuriha. Inuki barked and wagged his tail.

"Because I said I'd kill his lawyer." Fuuma growled, sitting on the couch and forcing Hinoto to get off of it.

"Why'd he get a lawyer?" Hokuto asked. For some reason, she was munching popcorn.

"He wants a divorce. And we're not even married. He's such a fucking retard." Fuuma had been speaking quietly (for him anyway) but now he was positively yelling.

"Well, shouting at him won't help Nii-chan. Kamui-chan doesn't like it when you shout." Kotori said. Fuuma wisely made no comment on her sudden appearance or the fact that she was upside down on the ceiling.

"When did you get here? Why don't you go talk to the little bitch? He always uses you against me. It's not fair." Apparently, no-one had told Fuuma that temper tantrums were not a good way to win back your beloved.

"Okay!" Kotori said, bouncing over to the bedroom. "Kamui-chan!"

"Um, Fuuma-san, just so you know, um, I don't think that singing Metallica will help this time." Subaru ventured.

"Aww, but Subaru! It was so great watching Fuu-chan sing and Kamui was all terrified and Sei-chan liked it, didn't you Sei-chan?" Hokuto fell off the ceiling (yes, she was up there too).

"Of course he liked it, he's the Sakurazukamori! Suffering and pain make him happy! The rest of us have to cheer up Kamui afterwards and-" Luckily, Sorata saw Fuuma's face at that very moment and stopped talking. "And, that in no way involves any form of sexual contact. Okay, please put the sword away now."

"We might be getting divorced, but you still can't touch him monk." Fuuma said, apparently appeased.

"I'M NOT GAY. I love Nee-san. And, and, Kamui loves you." Sorata tried (hole digging was one of his specialities, apparently).

"You're an idiot." Fuuma muttered.

"Yes I am! Wait, wait... no I'm not." Sorata looked helplessly confused... confused enough for Arashi to take pity on him and help him out.

"Sorata." She said and that was enough for Sorata to forget Fuuma and go back to being his normal bouncy self. Seriously, that man could out bounce Hokuto and that is almost impossible.

"Monou, why don't we go out for ice cream?" Seishirou said.

"Sure why not. I don't have anything better to do." Fuuma replied. Kamui burst through the door.

"You promised you wouldn't Fuuma!" Kamui sobbed, possibly distraught, possibly OD-ing on melodramatics.

"Aw, shit, now look what you've done."

"Set you up for make-up sex? You're very welcome Monou. I expect my door to be fixed by Friday." Seishirou nodded and flipped his newspaper back up (the date was 31/12/99 and had been since time stopped. Oddly, the columns updated according to whatever Seishirou wanted to read about). Fuuma glared at him mutinously.

"Kamui, you know I never meant it like that." Fuuma began, following the sobbing Kamui back into their room. Everyone (except Nataku, who still didn't understand) breathed a sigh of relief.

"When I died, I never expected this." Hinoto murmured.

"None of us did, Hinoto-hime. If we had, we would have fought a whole lot harder." Aoki replied.

"What fight? All of us Angels would've quit fighting. No way would I have voluntarily agreed to _this_." Yuuto said. Satsuki threw a bottle of scotch at him and Beast (who was in Purgatory now, because it had been pulled apart and 'died' back on Earth) shocked him.

"Speak for yourself. I rather enjoy it here, with my little Subaru-kun and our room and why, it almost feels like we're a family." Seishirou commented. No-one paid him any attention (well, Hokuto did, but she was always laughing these days, so no-one paid her any attention either).

"I hate you so much." Kanoe said, swigging wine although she was already drunk (she was always drunk these days).

"See, Subaru-kun? This is family." Seishirou smiled. Subaru tentatively returned it, making sure not to comment on Seishirou's warped idea of family.

"For the last fucking time, Kamui, we're not getting divorced!"

Oh yes, definitely happy families. Perhaps with a bit of poker on the side, just for fun. Strip poker, because that would annoy Seishirou.

Somewhere, not exactly far from Purgatory, Clow Reed (whose fault it really was) smiled.

* * *

Thanks for reading, well done to anyone who noticed the insaneidiot references and if you don't know who insaneidiot is then you really should.

_Rethira_


End file.
